Alone
Great Wall of China - Beijing, China
Most of my personal adult life has been spent alone. Granted, I have spent a lot of time on stage as a competitive bodybuilder, working on boards with non-profits and public speaking around the world, but for the most part it has been just me Alexa and Siri. Sadly, even in two long term relationships, although I was physically with someone, emotionally I was very much alone. This hastened the demise of both relationships. I moved to a new city just before Covid brought the world to a standstill. I did not know anyone there and with no family to lean on I had to learn how to successfully manage being alone in one of the country’s largest metropolitan areas while surviving a pandemic and learning a new job.
What I learned was that YES, it is possible to be alone and not feel lonely, depending on your mindset and how you view solitude. You may be like me and find peace, creativity, or fulfillment in being by yourself at times, using the time for personal reflection, hobbies, or simply enjoying your own company. I also find comfort in knowing that I am not constantly surrounded by distractions, allowing me to recharge, connect with my inner thoughts and be at my best when I am around others. Being a loner may also be a trauma response. You are so used to people not showing up for you, judging you, walking away or you may have grown up with a toxic environment. The only one you could depend on was you. So, you naturally feel safe when you are alone.
Loneliness often comes from a sense of isolation or a lack of connection, but solitude can be different – it can be a choice, and not necessarily something that feels isolating. Do not get me wrong, I do love being with my small inner circle of best friends when possible. We do not live in the same city. However, knowing they are a text or call away helps with feeling connected.
It is common to feel lonely in a crowd. I have been there, and it is not fun. I have sat at board room tables or committee meetings and felt unseen. Being surrounded by people does not automatically guarantee connection or fulfillment. Loneliness in that context comes often from feeling emotionally disconnected, like you are not truly seen or understood, even though there are others around. I have had moments where I am at an event with a large group and still feel like I am not connecting with anyone on a meaningful level. That makes me feel so out of place. I have learned that finding someone to connect with, focusing on the present moment, shifting my mindset, and accepting the feeling without judgement of myself and others are powerful ways to make the feeling of loneliness less intense at times like that. However, to be clear, I do gain greater happiness by not inserting myself with people or in places that I am not welcome, wanted, respected or valued!
Being alone can have a lot of surprising benefits. It is not always about feeling lonely or isolated—it can actually be a chance to recharge and focus on yourself. When I take time for myself, I better understand my needs and boundaries, which ultimately helps me have more fulfilling connections with others!
Take care of yourself and each other!
